


I Was Made For Loving You

by anentirerice, whenawriter



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Jake gets high on a wednesday, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-10 23:54:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11702481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anentirerice/pseuds/anentirerice, https://archiveofourown.org/users/whenawriter/pseuds/whenawriter
Summary: When Jake gets high alone, he can't always keep very quiet. He gets very passionate very fast, loses most of his mental filter, and can't keep a thought inside his head.





	I Was Made For Loving You

**Author's Note:**

> Alternatively titled: It's Wednesday, Jake- just- just get a fucking calendar, sweetheart. 
> 
> The title comes from the song of the same name- "I Was Made For Loving You," by Tori Kelly and Ed Sheeran.

He supposed that one day, he’d have to stop this. Maybe someone would call him out on his reddened eyes, or his ears would suffer some kind of damage. Right now, though, none of it mattered- not while his mind was fuzzy, tears leaked from the corners of his eyes, and his body felt out of his own control. 

At one point, Jake was aware that he was sitting up and leaning back against his headboard, peering up at the ceiling of his bedroom as if it was  _ hiding something. _ As his thoughts wandered from how empty he felt to the poor organization of his desk to his friends, he couldn’t help but linger on the idea of a certain few people. 

Jeremy and Michael. 

The two had always been so at ease together. When Jeremy was nervous, Michael was there to distract him with conversation. When Michael was lonely or scared, Jeremy was right there with him, ready to provide any kind of comfort he could. They had always been the perfect pair- even through their ‘Pining Phase,’ as Rich so often dubbed it. 

Jake lifted his hands, blunt perched precariously between two fingers; he rubbed at his face and sighed.

“I know that Rich and I are best friends, but I just can’t help but feel jealous of Jeremy and Michael,” he shouted at the ceiling fan. “I mean, yeah, they’re  _ together, _ and that’s one thing-” He brought his free hand to clutch at his shirt, taking another drag to numb the stone-cold feeling in his chest. “-but they just fit together so damn  _ well _ . They  _ trust each other, _ and maybe  _ that’s _ what I’m jealous of? Jealous that I’m broken and they’re not?”

Turning to look at the lamp by his bed, Jake blinked slowly, heaved a heavy sigh, and took another long hit.

Through the barrage of music that streamed through his headphones, Jake failed to notice the faint creak of the front door. He let out another sigh through his nose, the glare he maintained toward the ceiling slowly shifting into something lighter.

In all of his distress, he continued to not notice his door just barely moving in his peripheral vision. 

“Michael and Jeremy are  _ honest _ with each other. They’re  _ happy, _ and I’m happy for them, but I’m also  _ lonely _ and even though I know who it is I want here, I can’t do what Michael and Jeremy could and  _ fucking confess. _ ” The train of thought and the gentle music in his ears mingled to make Jake’s eyes sting again, the image of the ceiling quickly growing warped with unshed tears. “I know what I want. I just can’t grow up enough to reach for it.” 

The moment his mind ran out of words to express his feelings, Jake frantically reached for his phone and searched for something that could- and once the opening chords started playing, who was he to stop himself from singing? 

In reality, of course, the sound was a rough, watery thing at first; his words were sung through tears and his breathing staggered and uneven. But, tension eventually eased by music and weed, his voice calmed and quieted to a point where he could be understood. 

_ “Please don’t scar this young heart- just take my hand.” _ Jake looked down at his red, abused hands, tempted to pick at the bandages protecting him.  _ “I was made for loving you, even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through.”  _ Another hit.  _ “Every bone screaming, ‘I don’t know what we should do.’ All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you.”  _

With the image of Rich sitting next to him in the warmth of a sunny day dancing through his clouded mind, Jake closed his eyes and pleaded.  _ “Please, don’t go, I’ve been waiting so long. Oh, you thought you knew me oh so well, but I know that I was made for loving you.”  _

Disappointed as the song faded and the last drag he took began wearing off, he lifted the blunt to his lips and left it there as he opened his phone to his home screen, still breathing in when he met a bright, lively gaze through the screen. “Rich, for  _ fuck’s sake, _ what the hell have you done to me? I’m head-over-fucking-heels for my best friend and  _ I can’t grow the fuck up enough to say so!” _

He took another drag off the blunt without pause, letting out a bitter snarl. “This is fucking  _ bullshit.  _ I  _ want  _ to tell you, so what the hell is  _ stopping me?” _

He gave a resigned sigh and set down his phone, anger giving way to grief. “I’m  _ stuck.  _ I’m  _ stuck in this mental hell _ because I can’t let go of how goddamn  _ scared _ I am that you’ll hear what I have to say and just- just  _ run. You’ll run, and leave me, and then who will I have?” _

Scanning the room, his eyes fixed on an (admittedly stunned) figure by the door.  _ Short, broad, and vibrant. _ He rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair, attention fully on Rich.  _ “Fucking fantastic. _ Now I  _ know _ I’m high- I’m  _ seeing things.  _ Rich doesn’t come by on Thursdays, he goes to therapy.” Pushing his headphones off of his ears, Jake reveled in the quiet that made his ears throb, even though the music was still loud enough to fill the room. “If I thought Chloe was crazy, wanting me to  _ practice on her, it’d be fine, just do it, _ then I must be fucking insane.” 

Jake sat up, took a long hit, and breathed out slowly. “But  _ I’m already insane for talking to myself, now, aren’t I? _ ” He steeled himself, looked the apparition in the eyes, and started. “Richard Goranski, I am head-over heels in love with you. I’ve known for so long, for  _ so fucking long- _ but I just couldn’t dig myself out the mental shithole I’m in for long enough to tell you. I love your voice, the way you act, and the way you can always comfort me, even when you don’t know that anything was ever wrong. I get hung up on almost everything you say, because  _ fuck, _ every time you talk about something you love you get so  _ passionate _ and I can’t help but feel my heart lift when you get excited. You’re amazing, and so are the memories we’ve shared and created. I love you, and I can’t help it.” Falling back to the bed, Jake sighed and screwed his eyes shut, a few stray tears slipping through. “There. You happy?”

“V- very much so, I-...J-Jakey, holy  _ shit,”  _ Rich responded softly.

Jake froze at the sound of another voice.  _ This isn’t real.  _ “N-now I’m hearing shit. Nice.”  _ This  _ **_can’t_ ** _ be real. _

“J- Jakey, it’s...it’s  _ Wednesday…” _

_ “No, it’s- it’s…”  _ Jake opened his phone, and indeed, it was Wednesday. 

“... Wednesday.”

Trying to recall everything he had said, Jake sat back up and looked at his hands. “I-I’m sorry, I’m just- just  _ reeling, _ um-  _ wh-what?” _

“You...um...I… uh…”

“Go, if you want,” he chimed, voice soft.

“I...I don’t  _ want _ to.”

_ “Bullshit.” _

“I don’t- I’m...um...I’m sorry, I’m just kind of… I mean,” he stuttered, his voice dropping to a murmur, “I mean, _ y’know, if I said I wasn’t really fucking happy I wouldn’t mean it,  _ I just...uh… Fuck.”

Jake sighed. Took another long hit from the ever-shrinking blunt in his hand-  _ I’m pretty sure there’s another in my drawer,  _ he thought, extending the hand with the dying drug to the other.  _ It was either a silent offer or a call for help. _

For whatever reason, Rich shook his head and took it, taking only a short breath before giving it back. “I’m not- I can’t- Jake,  _ I’m not gonna leave. Please, just- just look at me, Jakey. Can you do that?”  _

If ever asked, he would deny it- but, at the  _ deliberate _ use of the endearment, Jake quietly started crying. He shook his head.

“Jakey,  _ please.  _ Just for a second, promise.”

Though the name spurred a new wave of tears, he unplugged his headphones and wiped at his eyes, finally meeting Rich’s gaze. 

Rich very hesitantly sat down next to Jake, staring down at his hand for but a moment before wrapping it around Jake’s. “I-... fuck, Jake, I-- there is  _ nothing  _ I’ve ever wanted to hear more than everything you just said, but I- what do I have to do to get it through your head that I’m  _ not  _ gonna leave you? N- not now, and-- and not ever?” 

“Everyone does,”  he remarked, eyes dropping to their hands and staring in passive disbelief. “Nobody’s stayed so far, why would you be an exception?”

“B- because….because I  _ love _ you, maybe?”

Jake looked up, itching to finish off the blunt in his free hand as an unforgiving cold ran through his chest. “I- Just-  _ Why?” _

“Why  _ wouldn’t  _ I? Jake, you-- I can’t even begin to describe it, o-  _ or  _ you. I- ever since freshman year, I’ve been trying to impress you. And when I got a SQUIP, it fucking...it wanted me to be your friend because it thought it would be good for  _ my  _ social standing. What I ended up not guessing was that I was going to be best friends with literally one of the most fucking awesome people I know. A-and then, suddenly, it was less about impressing you and more about wanting to... to  _ know  _ you. And, y’know what, sure, fuck the SQUIP, but thank god it told me to get to know  _ you,  _ because you’re-- you’re this fucking… you’re such a fucking --” he paused, making an indiscernible wiggly gesture with his free hand in Jake’s direction-- “-you’re just so  _ amazing  _ and sweet and, shit,  _ shit  _ man, you’re fucking  _ adorable  _ all the time! It’s such bullshit! And you’re smart, and you’re so, so fucking _ talented, _ and being your friend has been the best thing in my entire fucking life, and there’s only one,  _ one  _ thing I want more than that.”

Stuck without words, Jake could only stare for a long, agonizing moment. “Can I try something… s- something crazy?”

“Absolutely.”

Jake put aside the forgotten smoke, shifting to take both of Rich’s hands in his and leaning closer. “Is this okay?”

“Y- yeah.”

Without allowing his mind time to catch up with his actions, Jake surged forward and pressed a soft kiss to Rich’s lips. It could hardly even be called a kiss, really. Despite the near non-existent nature of the action, a pink flush flooded Jake’s previously dull expression. “Is… is  _ that _ okay?”

“Abso _ lutely.”  _

Jake laughed, lowering his voice. “Can we maybe do it again?”

“God, fucking-- please.”

Through another peal of laughter, he leaned in for another kiss, this one longer and lingering. When the two separated after what felt like an eternity, Jake smiled. “I… I love you.”

Rich opened his eyes after a moment, not surprised in the least as they began to water. “I love you too. I-- I love you  _ so much, fuck,  _ I just…”

With another chaste kiss, Jake shifted on the bed and pulled Rich down to lie next to him. Turning on his side, he remarked, “You want to know what bothers me most about all of this?”

“Um, that we didn’t do it sooner?” he responded with a soft chuckle.

_ “Absolutely.” _


End file.
